"Mom" Doesn't Equal Perfection

When I was pregnant with my first daughter, I had grand ideas. Namely that I was going to be the perfect mother. My mom was great after all, but perfect she was not, so I was going to take all of her screw ups, and make myself the perfect mom... Let me tell you how I did it! Um... I didn't. Not that I am big on admitting it (Especially to Colin my hubby) but... I am no perfect. Gasp! I know can you believe it?

This is how determined I was. I was ready to do it all right. When I had my baby showers and received Huggies, Pampers, and bottles, I would smile my endearing smile, knowing it was all going to be returned because I knew better. My child was not going to wear those landfill poison diapers, or drink from a bottle, hello???? I mean who doesn't know that cloth is the best for the environment and have no gel junk in them? Who doesn't know that breast feeding is the BEST and my daughter was going to have the BEST? So back went the diapers and back went the bottles. The diaper service was ordered and ready to go, I would deal with the disposables at the hospital only, as my condescending thoughts rationalized that they are just trying to make it easier on themselves.

Then about 10 years ago my daughter was born. And all my first time mother's wisdom and Utopian ideologies were quickly challenged. At the hospital my daughter born under 6 pounds wouldn't breastfeed. I was at a loss, I mean I actually thought that this just happened! Isn't it the natural thing, don't babies just know how to do this, like puppies? Apparently not... Oh but I was not gonna give up that easy. The doctor came in and told me I had to feed her with a bottle to get her eating or she would have to stay until she gained weight. (For the record that was so not in my plan either) So I had to tape this tube to my breast to get her to get formula... when that failed I had to tape it to my finger. (Okaaayyyy, where is all of this in those happy go lucky freaking baby books huh?) So now that I am doing that and pumping like a mad woman (and getting less than a quarter ounce) my daughter is waking up every hour on the hour to eat once ounce of formula. Frustration is mounting and I just cannot take the fact that I have failed, I am not producing enough milk to coat the sides of a bottle let alone feed her, oh and need I remind you I do not have any bottles still????

So turns out that lack of sleep can make you actually understand what can cause people to shake screaming children. I was lucky to have family to call as I am pulling my hair out from sleep deprivation as a half hour every hour is not enough sleep to deal with a baby screaming from colic and diaper rash... Oh about those lovely cloth diaper services....

Remember, got rid of the landfill cloggers because we were going au naturel? Yeah well turns out that they use some major harsh cleaners for those diapers that they deliver and pick up, and it caused my sensitive skinned baby to actually bleed from her pores on her bottom!!!

So here I am, no landfill clogging diapers that I desperately need along with Bottles, Formula, and SLEEP!!! What the Heck???? None of this followed my plan!!! I cannot believe that I could get it wrong, I did the research, I learned from watching others, and yet, I am still not getting it right??? I have seen 5 specialist on breast feeding and the conclusion is that I cannot breast feed (who knew that could even happen??? Again, never read that in any book!)

So two months in, I toss the feeding tube buy a 12 pack of Gerber bottles, the huge bucket of Soy formula (oh didn't I mention that after my dear Elise suffers through 2 weeks of colic and no sleep my mom and mother in law both remember milk sensitivities in the family????) an even larger bottle of filtered water, and the biggest humongo box of landfill cloggers and desitin.

It takes about 3 days, but after that, I am able to sleep 4 hours at a time, I can change a diaper without a baby screaming in pain, and I am beginning to regain my sanity and begin to bond with my daughter. That is right, I finally two and a half months in, began to be able to bond.

My perfection quest stopped me from being able to bond with my baby in the first crucial days. Those days were met with stress, frustration, and guilt as I wasn't able to succeed at this mom thing that is supposed to be so natural. It is then that i realized, there is no perfection in motherhood, there is only the effort to do what is best for your child. None of these baby manuals have it right, they just have one way, and that one way isn't right for everyone.

After accepting the bottle feeding, I began to actually be glad I wasn't breast feeding. I was able to have my body to myself for the first time in a year, and that was WONDERFUL!!! I didn't have to wear funky bras or worry about if she gets hungry in public. It was so much easier. As for health, she didn't have her first sniffle for almost 2 years, while kids of mother's who breast fed that I knew were sick a lot more than that. I realized I didn't harm her, we were OK!

With my second child, I loaded up on landfill cloggers, bottles, pacifiers, and formula. I had no intention of breastfeeding. I had every intention of bonding and enjoying my daughter, and I did.