Choices vs. The Big Bad Mommy

I am a big proponent of eliminating myself as the Big Bad Mommy. I mean why should I be the bad guy? I do not believe that being a mom, automatically forces me to be this disciplinarian and consequence wielding woman. Does that mean I am a softy? Does that mean that my children are allowed to run free because I want to be the "cool mom" or their "friend"? That would be a big fat... (excuse my french but) Hell No!

On the contrary, we can take our two girls (now ages 10 and 7 but we have since they were each born) anywhere, from regular and upscale restaurants to events, and we always, always get complimented on their behavior. We have even received many thanks from servers and managers of establishments who have dealt with out of control children as they are thankful to see there are children out there who do know how to control themselves, use polite manners, order for themselves, and leave the table condition as close as possible to how the came to it.

Are our children perfect? Robots? Nope. Our method, or parental way is about choices. They may not like all the choices they are given, none the less they are theirs to make. Before we go into the restaurant or where ever the case may be, or I have them do a chore, I talk to them. I remind them that they are to be good. I tell them that it is their choice to behave in a good manner and if they behave well then this will happen (insert incentive) whether it be that they will be able to get something, or be able to go again, or have their scheduled play date. If they behave poorly then I tell them what the consequence from that would be whether it means that they will not be able to go again for a certain amount of time, they will lose their play date and I will call their friends mother to cancel, or they will not be able to get something.

I would never bribe my children. However, say we are going into a department store and I want to look at things for me, that is going to require patience on their part, or complete a chore I will reward them with something (just like a job in the real world pays, my children get rewards for their work). It may be as little as being able to choose something for a certain price, going to get a treat afterward, or a certain amount of pay per chore. Whatever it is, I establish it before hand, and then give them the choice based on how they choose to behave on whether or not they receive it.

Some days they decide that it is much more important to them to fight with each other, or to have a bad attitude than it is to received their reward, so they do not get it. However, after few times of realizing that mom means what she says, and that they have the power to change how they act and get what they want within reason, their behavior will almost always be on par.

When they do act badly, and they do not receive their reward, I remind them, that they not me made the choice. I remind them, that I really wanted to reward them, but that they chose not to receive it, by their actions. Children have to learn that as they become adults that every action has it's consequence. The consequence can be good or it can be bad. We are raising our children to become adults and part of that is teaching them about making wise decisions, and what making not so wise decisions can cause. I think it will prove one of the most valuable lessons, as they go on into adulthood. And also believe that if we teach our children about making decisions now, they will not be overwhelmed by choices later.