Spanx...

My friends rave, rave, rave about their spanx.  I of course am the fat friend, and hearing about this miracle girdle, I thought it was the answer to my pudgy ass.  Not so much... I found out the hard way, that the Spanx, a blessing to the thin and nearly thin, are not so much a blessing for a mom of three with some weight on her. Fasten your seatbelts, it gonna be a bumpy ride...

So I bought this dress and thought if I could perhaps get a smoother silhouette, I would good to go, I was ready to rock this dress. So I got me some wonder girdle spanx shorts...

Getting ready for proved to be quite disasterous... I get my spanx, and when I take them out of the package I see a pair of shorts that could easily fit my slim trim 11 year old.  You have got to be kidding, I think.  I check the package figuring I bought the wrong ones, nope they are the right size.  I go to put one foot in and nearly fall over, my foot is stuck and I am hopping all over the bathroom like a mad woman, trying to regain my balance and keep from falling, finally I free my foot from the spandex quicksand and an now out of breath, panting, and sweating like a hog digging truffles.  Traumatized I realize this is apparently a sitting down process.

So I sit on the edge of the bed, and decide to stretch these things out, so I am pulling and stretching, mind you I am still sore today! These should be marketed as doubling for resistance bands.  I finally attempt my foot again, whew, it goes in, so I put in the next. All is good!!  I wriggle, and I wiggle, I stretch and I pull until they are up! They are up! Then I take a step and snap, off the muffin top they slide, and up my ham hocks they roll.  Ugh!!!  I waddle to the mirror, so breathless, I worry about fainting on the 5 step journey. What I see will haunt me forever.... these things have sqeezed my waist alright but to make the waist, the fat rolls over the waste and out the bottom! I look like my kids tube of toothpaste when they squeeze from the middle, and all the stuff goes out the top... so not attractive. 

I decide, the only option is to retuck.  So I tuck myself back into the dreaded spandex hell and look again.  What do I see, but I huge boulder in the middle, and one in the back.  I look like the lady on Steel Magnolias, where she was dancing like two pigs wrestling under a blanket, I was that lady!!!  I suck in, and nothing moves, not a thing. I walk again, because I can't wear them standing still right, and.. Snap! Roll! Crap!

I finally realize that these will not work for me.  And dread washes over me.... How will I ever get them off???  I look around, panicked I will have to call the paramedics to extricate me from my own girdle using the jaws of life.  After about a half hour, I wriggle free from my torture chamber.  Miracle Girdle... my ass!